It is 21 September 2016, and I am already awake when the alarm goes off. Still, it tells me that I have only 3 hours until I can forever close an old chapter of my life.
We have been together for 45 years, 4 months and a few days. I must confess that our time together has not always been easy, but, with your departure, my life will change completely. As relationships go, we began calmly, without major complications or frictions.
It was only when you were a teenager of 15 that you started showing me signs—signs that we were in for a long, hard patch. As you reached adulthood, you really showed me who was in charge, who it was who held the cards. As you made me bleed, cry and drop to the floor, my strength fell away, weak. As the years went by, you only grew more stubborn, more antagonistic, more exasperating. It became quite clear to me that you would always be difficult.
Yet, I wouldn’t give up on you, and I was determined that we would carry on together. I have to admit that, in your quiet, peaceful moments, you were good to me. After all, I needed you. You flew me across the world, where you introduced me to the love of my life. Without you, I would not have brought two human beings into the world—who are the lights of my life and have made our family complete. Yes, you have been generous, and I express my gratitude for it.
Despite these gifts, I always knew that, sooner or later, your rebellious streak would become too much. Of the 36 years we have been together, the last 9 have been a terrible burden. We have had rows and fights. Perhaps you are just tired, but you have become threatening, aggressive and violent. You have been hurting me. I have lost count of how many times I have been put in hospital because of you. This relationship is no longer worth the suffering and the risk. It has turned toxic, and, if I don’t bring it to an end, the consequences could be serious.
Despite this, the idea that we cannot live together anymore has taken me a long time to digest. It must be a radical departure; there will never again be any more chances to have you in my life. I have cried and cried, and for many nights I have not been able to sleep. The decision to cut you out of my life has been perhaps the toughest I’ve ever taken. Yet I know it is also the most practical and rational choice. Today, we say goodbye for good.
***
It is 10 hours later, and I have just woken up. First thing, I miss you. When I look into the mirror, I see your absence. Without you as part of me, I ask whether I am even the same person that I was—not physically, at least. I know that life without you will not be the same, and starting over will be difficult, even painful. I am drawn to isolate myself and to live in this moment of grief.
***
It has been 3 and half years since we split up. I have suffered too much for your loss; I had even thought about throwing in the towel. But, as I reached rock bottom, I did not give up. There have been complications, and there have been consequences, but that chapter of my life is definitely closed.
I am over your absence, life goes on without you, and you have been replaced. Now, everywhere I go, every hour of the day, my bag is with me. We are permanent, and I am happy.
I have risen like a phoenix from the ashes. I have become a new person and started feeling beautiful, sexy and desired again. I have grown spiritually, seeing the world from another perspective, and my values have changed. I can see that I made the right decision, and the fears and tears are gone.
Luciana Podschun is from Brazil and recently moved to the UK from California; she is married with two kids and loves nature, traveling and gastronomy